How Toxic Femininity Harms

Have you ever had someone tell you to sit another way because your current posture was not “ladylike?” Or felt the pressure to spend hours getting ready in the morning to ensure you look like a woman should? Or maybe you refrained from doing things like ordering a beer for fear it would appear too masculine, or advocating for yourself because as a woman, you are to remain calm, cool, and collected.

What Is Toxic Femininity?

All these examples, in essence, constitute toxic femininity. There is a gender expectation of women to be graceful, cooperative, selfless, resourceful, and compliant. “Toxic femininity is a form of internalized misogyny which involves restricting yourself to stereotypically ‘feminine’ behaviors in order to appeal to men,” says Healthline.com

What female stereotypes and expectations may men find most appealing that could qualify as toxic femininity?

Grooming Standards

Women feel the need to have smooth legs and underarms, wear makeup and heels, style their hair, and put in excessive effort.

Submissive Demeanor

Women feel the need to maintain a peaceful environment, even at the risk of their own peace of mind or comfort. This submissive demeanor may occur at home, in the bedroom, at work, or in other social or public settings.

Hardworking and Complaint-Free

Women feel the need to constantly use their time wisely — both inside and outside the workplace. We are to do well at work (though not too well in some cases) and keep a clean and tidy home while maintaining healthy relationships with family, friends, and strangers.

These female stereotypes may not raise a red flag for you, especially if you are in a section of society where these gender expectations are normalized and persist. However, this gender bias, where a woman’s value is conditional and based on her adherence to these norms can have devastating repercussions overall for women’s mental health.

Believing that womanhood or being “feminine” means strict observance of these unspoken rules means that you have not allowed yourself to freely be you. Instead, your self-worth, priorities, and time are controlled by others. Toxic femininity means there are rewards for being appropriately feminine and doing what a woman should do. It also means there are consequences if you do not. You may be seen as “too much” or “not enough.” You may also be seen as attention-seeking, overly aggressive, or lazy. These gender expectations have ensnared women into a delicate balance of striving to please and elevate men to gain their approval, while cautiously avoiding any actions that might outshine them.

Studies shared by VerywellMind.com have found a conundrum women face: “These studies highlight the paradox of female beauty, whereby women are shamed for seeking idealistic beauty standards while simultaneously judged for not prescribing to them.” Women must constantly be on their tiptoes of discernment, determining what they should and should not do and what is and is not expected of them. It is exhausting and can weigh heavily on women’s mental health.

The Vulnerability of Our Reality

Reading this may have made you uncomfortable. That is OK because sitting in that precise discomfort is what may allow you to begin to question yourself, your motives, and your past. You may also question what gender bias you were taught or may have taught others.

Toxic femininity is a societal issue. There is no direct person or group to blame. With that in mind, we all have a personal responsibility to be more self-aware of our own beliefs and the actions that stem from them.

The Role of Toxic Masculinity

Toxic femininity was birthed, in essence, from toxic masculinity, says Greater Good Magazine. Toxic masculinity says that “men should act tough, show no emotions, and reject anything considered feminine,” shares VerywellMind.com. The harmful effects of toxic masculinity can include the following:

• Domestic abuse
• Gender-based violence
• Gun violence
• Homophobia
• Misogyny
• Rape culture
• Sexual assault

This constant struggle to maintain the status quo in society and maintain the value of men over the value of women does sincere emotional harm to both genders. This gender bias, which persists, has not only put obscene pressure on women, but it has also robbed men of the ability to feel and express themselves.

Two of the greatest contributors to toxic masculinity are trauma and shame. Constantly receiving messages that suggest your authentic self is insufficient, and that you must alter yourself to be accepted as a man, can lead to traumatic consequences accompanied by a sense of shame. The same can be true for women with toxic femininity.

Healing From the Toxicity

“Toxic masculinity and toxic femininity are both fueled by sexism, and each erodes human thriving,” writes Colorado State University Communication Studies Professor Karrin Vasby Anderson. Human thriving is exactly what we all aspire to and rightfully deserve.

Do you need help unpacking the expectations placed on you? Do you need understanding professionals to help you discern who you are at your core? There is so much healing to be found in being unapologetically yourself. We at Willow House at The Meadows can help. If you are struggling with your mental health and any addictions stemming from emotional trauma and abuse rooted in toxic femininity or masculinity, we are here for you. We will give you the tools needed to heal and thrive. Reach out today to learn more.